She is married to a professional husband, mother of 6 (college age down to preschool), and blogs about raising her family and the joys/heartache that is involved in doing so. She writes about her everyday life just like the rest of us. Although she didn't talk about it much, from what I can tell she developed a weight problem after having her children and it bothered her...it bothered her enough that she had surgery for it over a year ago.
Unbeknownst to us in blogland, she again went in for surgery, down in Mexico, and she did not survive the surgery. Out of the blue, her husband wrote a post stating that it was with sadness that she had passed away on August 14th.
I.was.dumbfounded.
Not only have I not been able to get her out of my mind, and constantly thinking about her poor husband and children, but now I'm bothered by what I'm reading. Her husband has taken over her blog and will post from time to time.
Only 6 weeks after his wife's death, he told us that he felt it was time that he start dating...yes, dating.
And.he.has!
Am I the only one who has a problem with this? Come on...6 weeks. I find this highly disrespectful to his late wife. They were married for almost 20 years and he only gives it 6 weeks. He met a woman and as of a few weeks ago had gone on 4-5 dates with her that week alone. He feels good that he knows he can "feel something for someone again." He thinks he has feelings for this new woman. As of his last post, the new woman had gone back to her old boyfriend but he's ok with it because he knows he can "feel" again.
This man's life is obviously none of my business but I am so bothered by his behavior. Am I wrong? Are you happy for him...happy that he is moving on? Of course I want this total stranger to move on and be happy but I feel he should give it time. What happened to the idea of waiting one year, grieving, before starting a new life? Everyone who leaves him a comment gives him praise for taking this step. I haven't left a comment because I'm afraid I'll speak up and say "what are you thinking?" Is he already trying to find a new mother for his kids? I worry about the ramifications this will have on his family.
Please give me your thoughts, I'd love to hear what you think about all of this.
16 comments:
No, you definetly aren't the only one. I have two problems here in that my husband and I will be getting (possibly) weight loss surgery soon. I am not sure which one she got, but the one we are getting is the lap band (so less risky.) Getting it in Mexico DID cross our minds however. So this terrifies me now!
I have also talked with my hubby about how long he would go before dating anothe woman if I died. He said maybe a year or more. I did too. Although it might be longer for me. I can't see how ANYONE in their right mind could do this. Then again, he probably isn't in his right mind at ALL since his wife passed away. 6 weeks is just ludicrous. I think he's trying to fill an empty space with the WRONG thing.
I have a problem with this too. 6 weeks? I just lost my sister in law to cancer on Friday and I can't imagine her husband even contemplating this. It seems like he hasn't dealt with her death yet and is jumping into something on the rebound. Also - I don't think he is thinking of his kids. I doubt they are ready for this.
That poor lady must have been desperate to go to Mexico,here in Canada surgery will not bankrupt you like in the US.
I am shocked her husband wants to date so soon, put yourself in his shoes, would you date so soon after losing your hubby?? Not me.... it would take me a long time to recover from my hubby's death..........years.
He must have been thinking of this before her death or maybe he had already been dating before her death, sounds like this couple were not close anymore,could it be she was trying to improve her situation by having surgery?
I knew someone from here who had this surgery , this lady was very obese, and she did not do well at all, infection set in and she died within 2 weeks.This surgery is not for everyone and CERTAINLY not in MEXICO.
I know from past experience that most men usually start dating a lot sooner than women after losing a spouse. A lot of them just don't know how to be alone. They aren't used to dealing with being the mom and the dad. They're overwhelmed with their new life. I watched my next door neighbor go through this. I think everyone deals with grief differently, and with the ability to be alone or not.
My sister started dating what I'm sure a lot of people could have thought was too soon after losing her husband, but I knew how hard it was for her to be alone with four kids. And while she wasn't ready to remarry, she just needed the adult time out. I don't think any of us really now what we would do, until it happens. We may think we would never want to remarry, but everyone needs companionship, and this life is too long to go through it alone.
With all that said, I agree that six weeks seems a little too soon to me. Hopefully he won't jump into a marriage just looking for a babysitter and someone to clean his house.
too soon! he hasn't had time to grieve, and his main concern should be his children...not some woman!
I agree with you 100%, Linda. I have a somewhat different perspective on it...my dad started dating a lady (the aunt of my sister-in-law) only a few months after my mom died from breast cancer. My sister, brother & I were all SHOCKED, APPALLED, ANGRY - to say the very least. (We were all married adults at the time, not young kids.) I think my dad just couldn't deal with being alone. I don't know. We've moved on in our relationship - I don't hold unforgiveness toward him - and he remarried another lady about 2 years after my mom died. I still don't really understand where my dad was coming from, but we've all just had to learn to live with what happened. I ended up telling the lady off, by the way - saying they both had some nerve dishonoring my mother's memory like that. Whaddya do, though?
Hopefully this man will come to his senses and do right by his kids. It's much too soon to get involved with someone else.
DANG. I wanna go read this blog!!!! WHAT is the name of it??? IS it a true story???
First of all which is off the subject a little. This is the 3rd death that I have personally heard of that involved Mexico surgery. 2 happened in the same town not to far from here, and now this. So sad.
That being said, it does seem soon. It always seems that they just didn't care about that person much. Men are very different than womem that way. They need more than we do. My mother has always told my dad to marry quickly after she has passed because she knew how helpless he would be in the kitchen. And she also said it so that it would give him permission to move on and we the kids wouldn't question it. But 6 weeks is a different story. Maybe like within a year start dating.
It never seems right to me though. I know that I wouldn't do something like that. I think that for Ed it might be different. I am not sure.
Yeah, too soon, but I agree, this guy probably didn't know how to be alone so he grabbed onto the first thing her could. So Sad.
Ok- Now I want to know the blog too. First off - I think it is so disrespectful to the children that he has taken over his wifes "Journal" That was hers & for him to start talking about dating & other women in it is just so not cool...
His children will want to read about their mom & should be able to without hearing about his dating life...
Second I agree with Tammy. But I also agree that 6 weeks is way too early & I wonder if he has truly even grieved yet? Any women in her right mind would run from a guy that's wife just died 6 wks ago..
He should just hire a Nanny & cook for now & quit trying to talk himself into "Feeling" for someone else....
too soon as far as i'm concerned, but not uncommon at all... another thing is this; it wouldn't surprise me at all if the guy is not looking for someone not only with whom to spend time but also someone to mother his kids!!!
what a tragedy for ALL involved:[
linda, you have such a big heart. hopefully, he is being open with the person he is dating, and it will all work out for the good.
much love,
dani
Everyone deals with death in different ways, on a different time line. I have not been through this situation and I am not sure how I would act. But I am very sure I would not be dating for many many many months. If not years.
But as many have commented, men are different. It seems that he has a different way of dealing with the death of his wife. One that I don't understand.
But what I really think is sad, is that she lost her life because she was not comfortable with her body. That is what has me upset.
Are we so desperate to have the perfect body that we will risk death?
I think this is very sad and I wish I could go back in time ~ take her in my arms and tell her she is beautiful just the way she is .... or I guess I should say now .... was.
Lets all accept ourselves for who we are.
Thanks for listening. m
Hi Linda,
I agree with you. I think the grieving process can be so complex that it for sure takes more than six weeks to process, especially in this situation when her death was so unexpected. The sad thing is what it's saying to his kiddos, and the future problems that will most assuredly come of it.
That's so sad.
God bless,
Brenda :)
I don't know about this blog but I do know that this is not acceptable from a woman's point of view, however most men would probably do the same thing since they all think with their "P" and not their hearts!! If you get what I mean!! I threaten my husband that if I die and he gets interested in another person I will come back and haunt him!! ha!
Sounds like a HUGE dilemma. Although, I have no idea what I would do or want my husband to do. I am with you with the concerns for the kids. Too early. They hardly have adjusted to having mommy gone, so a "new" mommy seems very sad.
No, I have a huge issue with this and have also seen this happen. It tears up families. It is very disrespectful!
On another note, my MIL thought about going to Mexico to get gastic bypass. I told her she was nuts. I'll be sure to tell her about this poor woman.
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